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For the girl who should say how she feels

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Flashback to a few months ago when I wrote my first post about fighting fear, here's part two and how I'm doing with it.

So, I did a thing, a stupid thing- drunken me thought it was a good idea to 1) drunk text 2) tell the guy I liked that I liked him. I had been in this weird on off not sure friendship for the past few months, never knowing where I stood with this person and how I actually felt. It was the film 'love, Rosie/ where rainbows end' that did this to me too. This book/film is about two best friends who never truly admitted how they felt about each other, but spent a lot of their time hiding their true feelings. Years went by, they went on with their lives and I thought to myself, that these two people wasted so much of their time. If they had truly admitted how they felt, then they would of been so much happier. We spend a lot of our time not communicating, not admitting how we really feel about things, or pushing things to the side. Communication is key in any situation, and I wanted to communicate how I felt too.

I'm not a direct person, I'll bottle up my feelings and push them aside but at the same time I like knowing and having clarity. So I decided  to stop pushing my feelings aside and just admit them. Apple's influence is to play here, she's a very direct person so I do have her good influence to thank.

1) Do you regret doing it?
Maybe how I did it, but I don't regret saying how I felt, as always the truth will set you free. I know the answer now and that makes me feel 100% better. I never have to think 'what if' and constantly self doubt myself or never know where I stood.

2) Are you sad?
I'm 10% sad, but 90% relieved, I had a feeling it was going to happen the way it was- I already had an idea what the answer would be. Please note, this is also a clear example of someone who is emotionally unavailable, a person who keeps her guard up. I probably should be more sad, right? Most girls would probably be quite upset, yet I'm really not. Also is it weird that I'm not that sad about it? I think so, I keep my expectations low so I don't get my hopes up too much. Maybe a part of me didn't like him as much as I thought I did too. I know that deep down, I had a feeling it would never really work. Also now I have my answer I know I can just move on.

3) Does he like you back?
Nope he doesn't and I think deep down I knew that he didn't but also part of me didn't care- I had a little flicker of hope and it was the unsurity that I didn't like about it all. I didn't know where I stood with this guy, and I wanted answers.

4) Why you should admit it and just tell them- if you're feeling the way I was, confused with where you stand with this person, you should. Yes, you may loose your pride (I think I lost a little of mine) but I don't have to keep wondering anymore. I don't have to waste my time and I can move on. If he likes you then that is amazing, you did it. But if he doesn't at least you know now, surely that's worth something? You can move on, close this chapter maybe even still be friends if you want this friendship. You owe it to yourself, right?

I feel better now, I wasted so much of my time not sure of my feelings, even though it didn't work out, I'm glad I did it. Side note too, we talked and decided being friends was the best option. Handling this like a real adult, what a shocker!

'If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place.'

I got my answers and I'm doing okay, really. There's nothing quite like bearing your soul to the internet too.

-Sophia x

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